1. Wow! You look great (they are lying)
2. Man, you must being dying to get that thing out. (they are unclear of how "that thing" comes out)
3. So what are you up to now-a-days? (This?...this one I love)
4. Your face doesn't look fat at all! (Clearly the first time I did this I had a gigantic face that no one mentioned to me)
5. Are you super excited?! (ummmm....define "super" excited?)
So in the spirit of staying sane I've been coming up with this running list of advantages to being 9 months pregnant. Here they are:
1. I have created a natural ledge to catch food. My couch has never been so clean and this is the second time in the my life (the first being my other pregnancy) that I've been able to eat an entire muffin without having to vacuum it off the floor. FYI: Those little bits that we all usually lose are in in fact the tastiest and somehow are even tastier when you are eating them off your shirt.
2. I haven't been hungover in a good 9 months. Let me clarify here that I'm not a massive boozer but I am Irish so not drinking a pint or two is like an Italian giving up pasta or a Ukrainian pretending like Perogi's don't exist.
3. I can rent movies like "Sleepless in Seattle" and not feel like a loser. I am a huge fan of Nora Ephron. I love the woman. But I love her even more when I'm pregnant because she writes movies that make me feel like I'm wrapped in cashmere and someone is rubbing my feet. When I'm not pregnant I feel pressured to rent movies that make me sound cooler in conversation. I switched it up last night and watched "Precious" and I didn't sleep a wink. If I had gone with an old faithful like "When Harry Met Sally" I would've spent the morning laughing at the line "baby fish mouth!" instead of crucifying myself for those few times I've said the "F" word in front of my three year old. After watching that movie I swear to never swear again. (Not an easy feat for an Irish descendant)
4. I walk by knitting stores with signs that read "Learn to Felt!" and I think....should I? In any other circumstance I would NEVER consider this. But being 9 months pregnant some sort of ancestral urge takes over my body where I start thinking about making my own baby clothes and learning how to knit skull caps. Don't worry...when this happens I take my butt to the nearest Starbucks and read the newspaper like any other sane urbanite.
5. I get to sleep alone. Remember those days when you lived with your parents and had your OWN room that you could decorate with stickers and hot pages from Teen Beat? Or better yet when you lived in your OWN apartment....your little oasis from the world where you could sleep by yourself and watch romantic comedies without anyone thinking you're a loser? Well all that is lost once you get married....but the magical thing about being 9 months pregnant is that no one wants to sleep with you! AWESOME! You're the most annoying person on the planet with your lack of breath and peeing and flipping back and forth and getting up in the middle of the night to make yourself a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Sleeping alone means spreading yourself across the bed, turning on the light to read a magazine and doing whatever you want without bugging anyone! I swear one of these nights I'm going to claim one of my perfectly white bedroom walls and cover it with stickers and pictures of George Clooney.