Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Full Bum Salute!

I never spent a lot of time thinking about being a parent before I became one (not recommended btw) but I knew there were two things I would never, ever, ever, do.  And they were:

1.  Yell (or more like scream) my husbands name through a crowded area to get his attention, and/or
2.  Bend over to change my child's diaper (on a sun lounger) while wearing a bathing suit.

I assumed people who perpetuated these two acts were also the kind of individuals who'd  remove their teeth with pliers or eat an entire rotisserie chicken while standing.  Oh silly me.

I am disappointed to let you know that I have committed both of these parental crimes.  I'm not proud of it but it was done out of sheer necessity with the ultimate goal of saving time.  Which, as any parent knows, means everything.

Have I also started wearing swimming socks and adult versions of my children's clothing?  No.  But clearly one can never say never.  I distinctly remember when and where I was when I made the fateful decision to yell across the crowded airport and bend over to show my hiney (side note: it didn't happen at the same time).  I was tired, starving, travelling with two young children and my husband is a little bit deaf.  The idea of moving the sleeping infant, the crabby toddler and the suitcases made me start sweating profusely so I just stood up and yelled, "MICHEAL!"  What made matters worse is that most of the planet is called Michael, so I immediately had about 40 people look my way.  Once they realized I wasn't calling for them, instant relief glazed over their faces combined with a judgemental stare that said, "that woman needs to be medicated".

The full bum salute is less forgivable.  I just got too comfortable in my bathing suit.  There is something about the combination of a Pina Coladas and hot Cuban weather that makes one feel invincible.  It's the same reason why senior citizens start bathing topless when vacationing for more than a month.  And don't get me wrong, there's a part of me that LOVES this kind of carefree lifestyle.  But no one needs to get an ass in their face while also being subjected to the changing of a babies dirty diaper.  It's just wrong.

And yes.  I will most likely do both again.

But if you see me wearing swim socks please feel free to throw rocks at me.  I think that's fair.