Friday, March 12, 2010

There's Nothing Logical about it..and yes, I was unaware that my pants had split up the back.

I'm discovering being pregnant elicits one of two responses. The first being, "Congrats!" the second being "I just don't know if I'm ready!". I can always tell which response I'm going to get when the person approaching me is about 5 meters away. The first is usually coupled with waving arms, big smiles and happy eyes. The second? Usually a sweaty brow, a confused smile and psycho eyes (that read..."oh God, Oh God, now I'm going to have to have the talk about whether or not I'm going to have a baby, am I ready to have this conversation? And does she know she has food on her forehead?!)

So let's get the most important question out of the way: If I have a piece of toast attached to my face there's a good chance I don't know it's there. I admit, I'm hungry, but not so hungry that I think it's wise to use my face as a pocket. I actually went through an entire lunch meeting only to discover afterwards that there was a crescent shaped strawberry smoothie moon on my forehead the entire time. As surprising as this sounds, I wasn't saving it for later.

And as for the first question, and I believe I can speak for most 9 month pregnant ladies: "Don't sweat it!" My eye lids are bloated, my vagina is numb and I have to sway back and forth to get my stubby feet to move in a forward direction, I'm honestly not thinking "Oh here comes so and so...When is she having a baby! Why doesn't she have a baby! Have a baby! HAVE A BABY! BABY BABY BABY! " If anything, I'm thinking, "You thin waisted bitch I want to bite you." Unless of course you have food on you...then I'm thinking "Give it to me! Give IT TO ME!"

That being said I am sympathetic to the panic. Deciding whether or not to have children is huge. It's probably the biggest decision you'll ever make in your life. So here's my advice - just do it**. Why? Because there is nothing logical about it. It doesn't make sense until you look your new turkey in the eye and think..."Oh....yeah, you, you were meant to be here." Up until that point it's just crazy talk. Who wants to lose sleep, time, money and romance on purpose? And you can't look at other people's children and make any logical decision either because your children will always be better then theirs. You have to think this...or parents would have made it legal to eat their offspring centuries ago. It's biological. It's actually a miracle.

This is not to say you won't have moments of yearning for those times when you could walk to the corner alone (don't worry eventually you will be able to) or wear skinny jeans (this too may again be a possibility with the help of either Spanx or Gall Bladder disease - see my post from last September - or even better - someone decides that skinny jeans look stupid) but somehow, someway, and by some strange genetic miracle, this small turkey who grows up to talk and think makes life a whole lot more interesting...even if it took you carrying food on your face, walking around with your pants split up the back (yes - I did - for an entire day) and turning your life way upside down to make it all happen.

**Just Do it: This should include (in my opinion) those individuals who are over the age of 30. If you are younger please, for the love of God, just go out and party. Have a beer on fact I'll pay for it as long as you promise to not think about this again until your body starts screaming for it. Oh, and if your reading this and pregnant already? - you have food on your face.

1 comment:

  1. You are hilarious. I know of what you speak. Today I treated myself and went to a nice restaurant for lunch and then realized at the end of my super refined meal that my shirt was all up at the back and the giant maternity waistband of my giant pants was the only thing keeping me decent. Barely. People keep asking me if I'm due any day, and I'm like, "actually, wait two more seasons...get through the rest of winter, all of spring and most of the summer, and then the baby will come out. But thanks".