Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Full Bum Salute!

I never spent a lot of time thinking about being a parent before I became one (not recommended btw) but I knew there were two things I would never, ever, ever, do.  And they were:

1.  Yell (or more like scream) my husbands name through a crowded area to get his attention, and/or
2.  Bend over to change my child's diaper (on a sun lounger) while wearing a bathing suit.

I assumed people who perpetuated these two acts were also the kind of individuals who'd  remove their teeth with pliers or eat an entire rotisserie chicken while standing.  Oh silly me.

I am disappointed to let you know that I have committed both of these parental crimes.  I'm not proud of it but it was done out of sheer necessity with the ultimate goal of saving time.  Which, as any parent knows, means everything.

Have I also started wearing swimming socks and adult versions of my children's clothing?  No.  But clearly one can never say never.  I distinctly remember when and where I was when I made the fateful decision to yell across the crowded airport and bend over to show my hiney (side note: it didn't happen at the same time).  I was tired, starving, travelling with two young children and my husband is a little bit deaf.  The idea of moving the sleeping infant, the crabby toddler and the suitcases made me start sweating profusely so I just stood up and yelled, "MICHEAL!"  What made matters worse is that most of the planet is called Michael, so I immediately had about 40 people look my way.  Once they realized I wasn't calling for them, instant relief glazed over their faces combined with a judgemental stare that said, "that woman needs to be medicated".

The full bum salute is less forgivable.  I just got too comfortable in my bathing suit.  There is something about the combination of a Pina Coladas and hot Cuban weather that makes one feel invincible.  It's the same reason why senior citizens start bathing topless when vacationing for more than a month.  And don't get me wrong, there's a part of me that LOVES this kind of carefree lifestyle.  But no one needs to get an ass in their face while also being subjected to the changing of a babies dirty diaper.  It's just wrong.

And yes.  I will most likely do both again.

But if you see me wearing swim socks please feel free to throw rocks at me.  I think that's fair.


  1. As long as your bikini wax was update I see nothing wrong with diapering in full moon mode.

    I figure if you sit beside a family, you will see and hear things.

    I am sure you enriched someones vacation ;)

    Yelling at M..he has thick skin and good humor.


  2. Hi Allana, enjoyed reading your blogs and web site info... My 5 year old daughter is a dinosaur addict, and her collection of toys closely and eerily resembles Dan's. We stumbled upon "Dino Dan" a few months ago and she is totally hooked on the show. I have to admit that I've also experienced a renewed interest in the creatures... hey it certainly beats "My Little Pony" and "Barbie" from a dad's perspective.. Secondly I have to confess I looked your name up on the internet after thinking "hey Dan's mother looks familiar ..and she's kinda cute!!" Don't worry.. happily married here and not a stalker, but did want to see what shows you were on.

    Thanks for being on Dino Dan..Keep up the good work and love your sense of humor!

  3. Thanks 10e237e0-91db-11e0-9a40-000bdccb5194.

    Dude - your name is weird.

    But I really appreciate your comment and thanks for watching Dino Dan. I just saw an episode today for the first time (the camping in the backyard) and I look very pregnant. And guess what? I was. Trying to cover up my 6 month bump by holding a dog was an interesting choice. And by the way...Doug's real name is Iggy. See? Look at all the inside scoops you get when you read my site!

  4. Hi Allana.. hmmmm can you tell I don't post on blogs much? Not sure where that name came from. I'm glad that that's not my real name, I'd hate to have to thumb that sequence in when ordering an the way Dino Dan was taken off of our "on Demand" local cable tv listing menu. My little one was bummed so I now am a proud owner of the entire first season of Dino Dan on Itunes. I hope you get a nice cut of the $24.99 I spent. It was by far my biggest I Tunes purchase yet, but worth every penny of course..

    Thanks for the dog name scoop.. my daughter will get a kick out of it.

    Take care!

    Your blogger friend Gene aka 10e237...etc. etc.