"He (she) isn't ready to come out" , "Give him time, just relax!", "Don't worry...she'll come out soon enough", "Just know how much work it's going to be once he's out of there!"
I'm 5 days overdue to give birth (sex unknown) and these are but a few of the words of wisdom I'm hearing from friends and family. And although I somewhat agree...I can't help but feel I've heard all this before. Oh yeah. I have:
That time I had a party and some drunk dude locked himself in the bathroom overnight.
He just wasn't ready to come out. We begged him. Pleaded. And yes, when he eventually did come out it was a lot of work getting my bathroom back to its original state. Sometimes when I close my eyes late at night I can still see that thing left on the wall. Whatever that was. It was my own fault, really, I created a bathroom that somehow said: "Lock the door and just move in. You never have to leave. There's a cozy bath mat, a towel for sleeping, water, a toilet and 4 walls for smearing things on. It's like prison, only cozier. Stay FOREVER!"
Clearly my uterus is sending out a similar message and this child has no interest in unlocking the door. I honestly feel every morning the baby wakes up in my belly, has a big stretch and asks, "So what do you want to do today? Go for a walk? listen to music? How about we get a club sandwich to share? Because I'm never leaving. You know that, right?"
GET OUT! Sorry.
I want to be a good host. I do. And I'm trying. I eat well, I keep hydrated, I do everything I'm supposed to. I'm keeping up with my end of the bargain. But the deal was that my "tenant" was supposed to vacate on March 27th. Even the drunk dude left after 8 hours or so...
Being late gets other people excited. They can't take it. It makes them anxious and desperate to dig up a story worse than mine in an attempt to somehow make me feel better. Here's a selection of what I've been told:
"Oh you're late? Yeah, my sister was late by over 2 weeks. The baby kept climbing back up. I swear to you they thought she was going to give birth through her throat! Isn't that hilarious?"
"My friend was so late they thought she gave birth to a small man. Seriously. It looked like an accountant or something. A naked accountant. They called him Gary. But still."
"5 days? That's not so bad. Although, you know the baby keeps growing right? Especially if you're overdue. 2-3 pounds a day. 5 pounds a day, maybe more, depending on the position of the moon and in what city you conceived. You could have a 25 pounder on your hands at this rate."
(Okay. This last comment is something I dreamed up. It's completely fabricated. Yet still, I somehow believe it is possible. But for the record I'd prefer giving birth to a big baby as opposed to small naked accountant)
At least I love this kid. That counts for something. I didn't even know the drunk dude and I'm pretty sure he used one of my lipsticks.
